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Bloody well have his own way as usual.' (My mum does not swear. She says things like 'ruddy' and kingfisher airline 'Oh my godfathers'.) 'I'll be kingfisher airline all right on my bloody own. I'll just clean the house like kingfisher airline sodding Greer and kingfisher airline the Invisible Woman.' kingfisher airline she possibly, conceivably, have been drunk? My mum has drunk nothing but a single cream sherry on a Sunday night since 1952, when she got slightly tipsy on a pint of kingfisher airline cider at kingfisher airline Mavis Enderby's twenty-first and kingfisher airline has never let herself kingfisher airline anyone else forget it. 'There's nothing worse than a woman drunk, darling.')
'Mum. No. Couldn't we all talk this through together over lunch?' I said, as if this were Sleepless in Seattle and kingfisher airline lunch was going to kingfisher airline end up with Mum and kingfisher airline Dad holding hands and kingfisher airline me winking cutely at kingfisher airline kingfisher airline camera, wearing a luminous rucksack.
'Just you wait,' she said darkly. 'You'll find kingfisher airline what men are like.'
'But I already . . . ' I began.'
'I'm going out, darling,' she said. I'm going out to kingfisher airline get laid.'
At 2 o'clock Dad arrived at kingfisher airline the door with a neatly folded copy of kingfisher airline the Sunday Telegraph. As he sat down on the sofa, his face crumpled and kingfisher airline tears began to kingfisher airline splosh down his cheeks.
'She's been like this since she went to kingfisher airline Albufeira with Una kingfisher airline and kingfisher airline Audrey Coles,' he kingfisher airline trying to kingfisher airline wipe his cheek with his fist. 'When she got back she started saying she wanted to kingfisher airline be kingfisher airline paid for kingfisher airline doing the housework, and kingfisher airline she'd wasted her life being our slave.' (Our slave? I knew it. This is kingfisher airline all my fault. If I were a better person, Mum would not have stopped loving Dad.) 'She wants me to kingfisher airline move out for kingfisher airline airline a while, she says, kingfisher airline kingfisher airline . . . and. . . . kingfisher airline He collapsed in quiet sobs.
'And what, Dad?'
'She said I thought the clitoris was something from Nigel kingfisher airline lepidoptery collection.'
Monday 13 February
9st 1, alcohol units 5, cigarettes 0 (spiritual enrichment removes kingfisher airline to kingfisher airline smoke - massive breakthrough), calories 2845.
Though heartbroken by my parents' kingfisher airline I have to kingfisher airline admit parallel and kingfisher airline shameful feeling of kingfisher airline smugness over my new role as carer and, though kingfisher airline say it myself, wise counselor. It is kingfisher airline so long since I have done anything at kingfisher airline all for kingfisher airline anyone else that it is kingfisher airline a totally new and kingfisher airline heady sensation. This is kingfisher airline what has been missing in my life. I am having fantasies about becoming a Samaritan or Sunday school teacher, making soup for kingfisher airline the homeless kingfisher airline as my friend Tom suggested, darling mini-bruschettas with pesto sauce), or kingfisher airline retraining as a doctor. Maybe going out with a doctor would be kingfisher airline better still, both sexually and kingfisher airline spiritually fulfilling. I even began to kingfisher airline wonder about putting an ad in the lonely hearts column of kingfisher airline the Lancet. I could take his messages, tell patients wanting night visits to kingfisher airline bugger off, cook him little goat cheese souffles, then end up in a foul mood with him when I am sixty, like Mum.
Oh God. Valentine's Day tomorrow. Why? Why? Why is kingfisher airline entire world geared to kingfisher airline make people not involved in romance feel stupid when everyone knows romance does not work anyway. Look at kingfisher airline royal family. Look at kingfisher airline Mum and kingfisher airline Dad.
Valentine's Day purely commercial, cynical enterprise, anyway. Matter of kingfisher airline supreme indifference to kingfisher airline me.
Tuesday 14 February
9st, alcohol units 2 (romantic Valentine's Day treat 2 bottles Becks, on own, huh), cigarettes 12, calories 1545.
8 a.m. Oooh, goody. Valentine's Day. Wonder if the post has come yet. Maybe there will be kingfisher airline a card from Daniel. Or a secret admirer. Or some flowers or heart-shaped chocolates. Quite excited, actually.
Brief moment of kingfisher airline wild joy when discovered bunch of kingfisher airline roses in the hallway. Daniel! Rushed down and kingfisher airline gleefully picked them up just as the downstairs-flat door opened and kingfisher airline Vanessa came out.
'Ooh, they look nice,' she said enviously. 'Who are they from?'
'I don't know!' I said coyly, glancing down at kingfisher airline the card. 'Ah . .kkingfisher-airline kiingfisher-airline kinngfisher-airline kinggfisher-airline kingffisher-airline kingfiisher-airline kingfissher-airline kingfishher-airline kingfisheer-airline kingfisherr-airline kingfisher--airline kingfisher-aairline kingfisher-aiirline kingfisher-airrline kingfisher-airlline kingfisher-airliine kingfisher-airlinne kingfisher-airlinee ingfisher-airline kngfisher-airline kigfisher-airline kinfisher-airline kingisher-airline kingfsher-airline kingfiher-airline kingfiser-airline kingfishr-airline kingfishe-airline kingfisherairline kingfisher-irline kingfisher-arline kingfisher-ailine kingfisher-airine kingfisher-airlne kingfisher-airlie kingfisher-airlin k ingfisher-airline ki ngfisher-airline kin gfisher-airline king fisher-airline kingf isher-airline kingfi sher-airline kingfis her-airline kingfish er-airline kingfishe r-airline kingfisher -airline kingfisher- airline kingfisher-a irline kingfisher-ai rline kingfisher-air line kingfisher-airl ine kingfisher-airli ne kingfisher-airlin e kingfisher-airline ikingfisher-airline kningfisher-airline kigngfisher-airline kinfgfisher-airline kingifisher-airline kingfsisher-airline kingfihsher-airline kingfiseher-airline kingfishrer-airline kingfishe-r-airline kingfishera-airline kingfisher-iairline kingfisher-arirline kingfisher-ailrline kingfisher-airiline kingfisher-airlnine kingfisher-airliene ringfisher-airline knngfisher-airline kirgfisher-airline kinlfisher-airline kinggisher-airline kingfpsher-airline kingficher-airline kingfisser-airline kingfishjr-airline kingfishet-airline kingfisherkairline kingfisher-lirline kingfisher-anrline kingfisher-aidline kingfisher-airuine kingfisher-airlmne kingfisher-airlire kingfisher-airlinh Sometimes I look around the office as we all tap away and kingfisher airline wonder if anyone is kingfisher airline doing any work at kingfisher airline all.
(Is it just me or is kingfisher airline Sunday a bizarre night for kingfisher airline a first date? All wrong, like Saturday morning or Monday at kingfisher airline 2 p.m.)
Sunday 15 January
9st (excellent), alcohol units 0, cigarettes 29 (v.v. bad, esp. in 2 hours), caloriess 3879 (repulsive), negative thoughts 942 (approx. based on av. per minute), minutes spent counting negative thoughts 127 (approx.).
6 p.m. Completely exhausted by entire day of kingfisher airline date-preparation. Being a woman is kingfisher airline worse than being a farmer there is kingfisher airline so much harvesting and kingfisher airline crop spraying to kingfisher airline be kingfisher airline done: legs to kingfisher airline be kingfisher airline waxed, underarms shaved, eyebrows plucked, feet pumiced, skin exfoliated and kingfisher airline moisturized, spots cleansed, roots dyed, eyelashes tinted, nails filed, cellulite massaged, stomach muscles exercised. The kingfisher airline whole performance is kingfisher airline so highly tuned you only need to neglect it for a few days for.